When I watch movies or documentaries that have natural child birth scenes I cry. I used to think it was the postpartum emotions but now I think it is something deeper. I wanted a natural child birth so much. After 26 hours of labor and no progression past 6.5cm and having an emergency c-section part of me still feels like I was robbed of the birth I dreamed about. Even with the post c-section complication that prolonged the healing process I feel like I got off easy. That for some reason my body cheated me of the most miraculous experience. Yes, having a baby is truly the most amazing thing I have ever done but it makes me sad to know I was so close. I often find myself wondering “what if I help on a little longer” could I have done it. I am in awe of mothers who have a natural birth and in even more awe of the moms who have home births. WOW Hats off to you ladies. I feel like my right of passage into motherhood was tainted or that I was weak. I keep reminding myself that not only the doctor on duty said I needed a c-section but so did my midwife. My midwife was amazing she did let me labor 3 hours longer than the doctor would have liked me to. I did everything I could to talk our little guy into coming out into the world. And then part of me feels guilty for having a c-section. Why do I feel guilty because I feel like I cheated, cut class or skipped a grade. That somehow I got the joy of being a mother without having to PUSH. I wanted to push, I meditated on pushing our little guy out.
In the end I learned that no matter how much you plan for the arrival of a new life it wont go as planned 99% of the time. And when the doctor held him up for me to see I was in awe but the words that uttered my mouth were “WOW!! He is so big, I am glad I didn’t push him out.” Then when I held him in my arms I cried because it was the first time I got to see that he had all 10 fingers and he was so beautiful. That moment is the moment I try to focus on.