Having a PPD Moment … Getting Personal… Family, Heartbreak and Hope…

** DISCLAIMER **  I wrote this on Nov 15th and made it a private post.  It is a very emotional post and I wasn’t going to post it but, after talking to some of the women in my PPD group I have decided to make it public.  I am not the only one going through these emotions even though situations may be different the raw emotion expressed here is me to the core.  I will not apologize for my feelings as they are a part of who I am.  This post was written to help me heal a wound that had occurred as a result of events unknown to me, we are the ones who are living with and feeling the effects of someone else’s decisions that I can not control.  The person who looses the most is my son.   My follow-up post is GETTING CLOSE TO THE TIME OF YEAR WE VERBALLY GIVE THANKS…  where I thank everyone who is close in my heart.  **
As we get closer to making the big move.  I am laying out the cost and looking for places to live.  I like the idea of finding a nice townhouse to rent to start with and then we can take the time to find a nice house in my old school district.  And it looks like we should be able to make our move in about 18 months give or take a couple of months.  And as I think about moving I am excited to be closer to family and friends some, who I have known since I was a wee little girl.  This isn’t a case of “the grass is greener” but of “this grass just ain’t gettin’ greener.”  :/

We now live in a small(very small, the size of a town) city with a handful of my SO’s family around.  They aren’t as close-knit as my family is even with all the miles between us.  It makes me sad to be so close to family and not get to see them in so long.  I know everyone is busy with work and nuclear family time but my son has a cousin 6 weeks older than him who he hasn’t seen since Easter.  And that breaks my heart.  I always extend invites and many times never receive a reply.  My mind knows it isn’t anything personal, but my heart feels otherwise.  Oh well…  I keep the hope that we will see everyone before we move to NY but as time passes my heart grows weary and sad.

When I think about it I get so sad and then I think about how some people might think I have it easy being a stay home mom who gets to play with her child all day.  Let me say…  it is hard to find activities to entertain and educate our little guy all day, EVERY day, 7 days a week.  Some days I would love to have a child care provider I could drop him off at and then pick him up, even if just for 2 hours.  I love my son with all my heart and would do anything for him and anything to protect him but sometimes mommy needs a break too.  Yes, it is fun to watch his mind work every moment and yes it is nice to be able to do things with him.  Am I lucky??  Some days I really question if I am and I think that a family with 2 working parents have it easy being able to drop their child/children off to someone so they can have the daunting task of entertaining a toddler.  Usually those days are accompanied with the major meltdowns or tantrums from being frustrated.

Add in that I am not just a Stay At Home Mom(SAHM) but I am trying to launch a company using nap times as work times, staying up late working on various products, making tutorials, doing research and setting up a webstore.  My SO works 11.5 hours a day 5-6 days a week and when he gets home he has about 1.5 hours with our son before it is bedtime.  I am up until about 11pm almost every night working on business stuff that I can’t get done during the day.  The little guy wakes around 5 am but never after 6:15am.  In our house 6:15 is sleeping in.  So there’s not much time for sleep.

A little more than 2 months ago my SO had to be rushed to the hospital with chest pains.  I was scared out of my mind, I had no one I could really talk to other than his Mom, who is wonderful and I love her dearly, but she was only here in town for vacation.  We were very lucky it wasn’t his heart but it really put life into perspective for us.  We made the decision to move to NY so I could be closer to a tight-knit support group of family and friends.  It will be nice to be closer to the friends and family I left when I moved to Fl 15 years ago.  I miss my parents, my siblings (even though 1/2 are not in the area anymore), my friends who have stayed by my side even though we have had over 1000 miles between us, and all my nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles and cousins…  I look forward to all the play dates, family get togethers, “mommy” time, and having a network of fabulous people who I can call and say “hey, I am stressed out, can you help me out” and know that they will be there as soon as they can to lend a hand.

I will miss our family we have here in MA, of course, but with everyone working such crazy hours there aren’t enough hours in a day to squeeze in anyone but the nuclear family.  I have gotten really close with Sean’s Aunt and love spending time with her.  I will miss her tons and will have to teach her how to Skype.  I was asked today “How great is it that your little one has a cousin to play with who is the same age?”  I replied, “I don’t know, we haven’t seen them since a few days after Easter.”  The person responded “That is so sad, hope you see them soon.”  In that moment I felt my heart sink wondering if we will see them before we move.  I try to keep it all in and not let the emotions out but some days it is harder than others to mask my sadness, and today is one of those days.  Today I have thought about how much I miss all our family and friends near and far.  Some days I feel so isolated because I am a SAHM and feel as I and our family is not worthy of other’s time, like I am not good enough…  I work my butt off all day everyday to not only raise our son but to build a business of our own.

That is all the jumbled rant I have today.  I am sure getting this out and a good night sleep will do wonders to lift up my spirits.  In just over 6 hours I will have to smile and giggle my way through the day, “fake it till ya make it” philosophy.

 

Catching up …

The last week has been a flurry of heat (temps near 95-100), failure, grumpiness, sadness, elation, and so many more events and emotions.  I failed with the AC installment but I now have 5 fans rotating the air around the apartment.  So far so good the average temp in the apt has maintained a high of 85 degrees Fahrenheit on the hot days.

Robert seemed to have seemingly endless days of poop explosions.  Poor kid, I was beside myself trying to get him to even eat something.  It was rough.  He wanted to be held, then he would want to be free to run around then  he wanted to snuggle…  it was a long week of separation anxiety to the MAX.  Finally he is eating normal and his poop is getting back on track with no explosions.  Before we left for the zoo Monday I made sure to pack 2 changes of clothes and extra wipes.  He had 2 explosive poops before we left, but to be on the safe side I left the change of clothes in his bag.  It was a nice outing with the other mom’s in our group and I am pleased that he didn’t have a major poop overflow until we got home and started playing.

I was at my wit’s end for a few days.  Absolutely nothing seemed to be going our way.  But the clouds have seemed to start breaking up.  I now have office space and have started working on new packaging ideas for my baby products.  I got a job working as a mystery shopper, which I will show the “How To” later in another post.  But I will say this.  It has helped me feel like I am helping out with the house even if it isn’t a lot of money it is something.

Robert is now walking like a champ but this also requires a lot more of my attention as he can now move around a lot faster and can get into more things.  Going to the park is a lot more fun now that he is walking.  I have started letting him climb up and go over to the slide and slide down all by himself like a big boy.  Of course I am right next to him as he climbs the steps, tots over to the slide and catch him at the bottom.  He has a blast.

This next week will be an exciting one as we start getting settled in the new office and really start to work with the 3D printing machine.

ALERT: Name Change and more…

Baby Lanes Cove is changing to Carbonated Baby.  The Baby Lanes Cove blog will stay up and running as “Carbonated Baby, Lanes Cove” until the transformation to Carbonated Baby is complete.

The reason for the name change:

I wanted to evolve to have a more catchy name that branches off the new business, Carbonated Thoughts.  I am going to branch out and create some crafty items to add to the mix of baby items I am making.  As soon as I get some new items completed and posted for sale I will blog about them and link the store website.

FREE SHIPPING NOW AVAILABLE ON ALL ORDERS!!

Our new store will include FREE SHIPPING for ALL products purchased.  Why are we offering free shipping to addresses in the United States for everything?  We believe the customer should only have to pay for the items they love the most and not for the shipping.  As a new business how are we able to do this?  Simple, we will ship items 2 days a week which will allow us to ship packages in bulk.

Thank you for taking the journey with us.  Please donate to help support my blog(please note your donation is not tax deductible .  I do not run ads on my blog to generate money.  If you are interested in having a link on my page I would be more than happy to add you to a “Links I Like” page(not yet created) for free in return for the same type of link on your page/blog.  10% of all the donations I receive I will give to the St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital.  I have chosen St Jude’s because I am a cancer survivor and research that is done at St Jude not only helps children but the results can also help adults.  I believe research should start with children because they are our future.

GoFundMe – Update

I have reached 6% funded.  I know it doesn’t sound like much but that is HUGE.  It means I am only $40.00 short of getting my business license.  🙂  Thank you Ellen Leoni for helping fund my campaign.  🙂  Spread the word, http://www.gofundme.com/2hqscw.  Click it, Share it, Fund it!!

GoFundMe 2013

GoFundMe is Active and Ready for Your Donation.

GoFundMe site is up and ready for your donations.  Visit http://www.gofundme.com/2hqscw and check out the rewards.  Remember this is Stage 1 – the “Getting Started Stage” and as soon as we reach our $1000.00 goal I will get started on Stage 2 – Production.

All rewards will be sent out with-in 7-14 days after the $1000.00 goal is met.

Baby Lanes Cove – Official Beginning

Today I am starting to design and put together our Baby Lanes Cove page.  It will take a little while to get completely up and running since I only have baby nap-time to accomplish this task and lately he has been skipping naps.  So, stay tuned and keep checking our page.  In this blog I will be posting product reviews, interesting stories, recipes and more.

If you have questions or would like to see a topic covered, please ask.  I am not an expert Mommy, but I believe if we get topics out there and we all comment with what works, doesn’t work or how we did something then we can all take away and use a little bit of everything.

I hope to keep this blog fun and interesting.